Saturday, June 28, 2008

Not Much to Say Lately

Well, it's been 2 weeks since I've blogged. I really don't have much to say about life lately. I've been kind of in a fog lately. I've been missing my Daddy very much. Just thinking about the night he died - it was like a dream....he went so fast, hard to believe he's gone. We went to my Mom's new house this past week. It was very nice. She made one of my favorites, Pizza!!! The house is quiet, I think it still smells like Dad, even though he only lived there 1 week before his accident. Mom seems to be doing ok....but it's sad cause Daddy would have loved living there, being so close to my sister and kids......I went immediately to his closet, to see his stuff. Mom said I could take some shirts for my hubby, I did. Along with his leather gloves, and some ties. I took Dad's shoe stretchers for my BIG FEET!!! It was funny I have a size 13 foot, big, yes, but it's the same size as my Dad's. When I was younger, I would put Dad's black shoes on and walk around the house, being funny!!!! Daddy would laugh, and say "Lizabeth don't out-stretch my shoes!!!!" I think about Daddy almost all day, in the back of my mind. I wake up in the early morning, my mind goes to him, in the late night when I can't sleep, my mind goes to him. I know I'm grieving - this is grieving. But I feel badly about the way I treated Daddy in the last years. I loved him but grew very frustrated with him. When he would call here, I would say, "oh no, it's Dad calling!" And sometimes I acted like I was too busy for him....I was sometimes. I feel badly for it, and just wish I was different. I remember the day I went over to their old house, Dad was giving me his old bookcase, and Mom was in the process of packing, everything was in boxes. We went over and Mom told me they're not moving on April 21st now, because Dad wanted to wait until the summer - she was upset and frustrated with Dad. Well, I really gave it to him. I yelled at him telling him how could he do this to Mom after she has packed everything up......I was really mean and LOUD!!! Now I'm regretting it all, and thinking if I wouldn't have made such a big terrible fuss that day, they wouldn't have moved on April 21st, and Dad wouldn't have fallen down the stairs on April 29th, and then of course Dad wouldn't have died on May 19th......Yes, I know our Lord is loving, and everything is in HIS time, but I'm thinking...."what if" and beating myself up about it - and it just makes me sad.

But life goes on for me..... life here at home has been very busy for me. Getting the pool in order, what a job this year! Then planting all my flowers, and taking care of them. It seems that Summer is suppose to be quiet, and lazy, "lazy days of summer" - not for me. I have 2 kids who never want to stop. And a hubby who sleeps during the day....he works nights. And when he's off, we don't stop doing our chores, or projects around the house. So, life here is very interesting, and busy! David painted the deck last Tuesday, it looks really nice. A pretty red - matches everything. I think the deck looks brand's an old deck, and we really need to build a new one very soon. Becca did very well on her final report card this year. All A's and 2 B's.....High Honor Roll - AGAIN!!!! She couldn't wait until school was over. She really was dragging the last month of school, not wanting to study or do schoolwork. Who could blame her? She wanted to come right home and then right back outside to play with her friends. Davey is batman now - everyday he wakes up, puts on his batman suit - oh excuse me, I meant to say "uniform" - yes that's what he calls it, a uniform, just like his Daddy's uniform, no my hubby isn't batman (ha), but he wear a uniform, but not a batman uniform - you all know what kind of uniform my hubby wears. Davey runs around outside being batman to everyone, goes to the stores as batman, jumps off the furniture, he's so cute!! Until next time....

1 comment:

Walking on Sunshine... said...

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself regarding Dad. Dad knows how much you loved him. And, remember Daddy wasn't the same in the past few years. I keep having nightmares seeing him at the bottom of those steps thinking he was dead. I keep beating myself up over not getting a lock on that basement door! The first house they wanted to buy across the street from me had the basement door right next to the bathroom as well(WHY DO BUILDERS DO THAT?) And, I kept telling mom, "I don't like those stairs." I was so scared about those basement stairs in that house and so happy when that house didn't work out! I felt so good about this house they purchased. But, again, kept thinking we need to put another lock on that basement door, only higher up, so daddy can't get it open at night. Never thinking he would be confused during the day with it! I was waiting for Phil to come home to do it, but, it was too late. If we keep going back over what we should have done, how we should have acted, we'll never remember the good times and how much Daddy loved us and how much we loved him. Just keep picturing him worshipping in heaven. That's all he wanted towards the end. His eyes don't hurt him, his legs don't hurt him, no more pain, no more shots, etc. He's happy. We miss him terribly, but we'll see him again!